Occasionally, I get a question from a mother or father about how to deal with a situation where the two parents have a disagreement in front of the kids and whether or not the kids should be shielded the arguing.
Excellent question. The medically and scientifically proven fact is that kids are extremely adept at sensing any discord between their parents and will attempt to exploit this for their own ends, so your best bet is to get the dispute over and done with as soon as possible or risk letting your children know your weak points. Having said that, if done properly, proper dispute resolution between spouses can also assist in child behavior modification. Here is how you do it, but it is important to note that the responsibility for initiating the spousal dispute remediation process rests with the offended or upset spouse (as is usually the case with marital discord, one party is usually much more upset than the other, in fact in most situations, the other party, usually the husband, is totally oblivious to the emotional state of the other):
1. Let the problem simmer until you reach a public place or arrange to meet your spouse in a public place (busy shopping malls are ideal, but even a laundromat will do);
2. When you decide the moment is right, bring up the issue you have with them;
3. Naturally, the other party will try to pacify you. Don't take any of that crap. Start raising your voice so others can hear you. Try not to cry yet.
4. Now get really close to your spouse as you raise your voice. Typically, most married couples will stand within an 18 inch zone of personal space of the other person, but will back away when fighting, especially if there is yelling involved. Resist your urge to back away and do the exact opposite. Think of yourself as manager of a baseball team getting in the umpire's face (Think Billy Martin);
5. Now here is the important part. In most situations, your spouse will start lose their calm and yell back. When they do, ask them the following "You really want to hit me, don't you?" Repeat that a few times. Alternatively, you can throwing the word "Again" at the end of that phrase to really spice things up. Or if you are really gutsy, ask "Do you want me to hit you, again?" and follow that line. Remember, pick one or the other, you cannot be both the hitter and the hittee in the same argument.
If your spouse remains calm (few do as it is human emotions we are talking about here, not rational behavior), don't use the hitting strategy. Instead ask them "Where were you last night? I bet you were with your boyfriend or girlfriend (pick one, but keep this in mind, accusing your spouse of being gay presents some excellent leverage points)?" and continue along that line. And again, like the hitting strategy, you can reverse this one and tell your spouse that your "boyfriend or girlfriend" is much better/hotter/prettier/richer than they are. If you are really confident in your sexuality (or are actually gay and looking for a way to come out of the closet) make sure you let it be known that your "partner" outside your marriage is the same sex as you. Making your spouse think that they were the reason you "switched teams" is really the magic that marriages are made of.
It is also important that you are holding at least one of your kids in your arms (or by the hand if they are older and too large to be carried). For this to work, your kids have to be old enough to have some understanding of what is being said. So if your kids are younger than 12, use the hitting line of attack, if your kids are older than twelve, you have some options; and
6. It is important that your kids witness the entire dispute resolution episode. This isn't hard to do with little kids, but if you have teenagers, they may try and walk away from this whole situation and hide. YOU CANNOT LET THIS HAPPEN. If you have teenagers, make sure you start the dispute resolution episode in a controlled environment, say a store with only one entrance, that you can block with your body. While your teenager may run and hide in the store, they will still be able to hear everything. Alternatively, a school open house is a good place, as while your teenager may be able to run away from the situation, everyone will know that you are their parents.
Now there will be some you who say, "well that sounds great and all as far as managing my marriage, but how does that help me manage and control my kids". The benefits are really two fold:
A. Your kids will now know that one of you isn't afraid to get a little physical and do some good old fashion "body knocking". No one likes to get hit. This is an especially effective form of intimidation with older kids if the "hitting" spouse is physically intimidating;
B. You kids will seem a little introverted after this happens, so they won't feel like talking much. No talking means no talking back and no asking you for stuff. With older kids, the "Homosexual Extra Marital Affair" strategy really brings this out, especially if your live in a small community with a strong church. In fact, there is a possibility that with older kids, this strategy may promote a strong desire to become "autonomous" quite quickly and remove themselves from your household management program, which is a good thing as that is the goal of parenting anyways.
While traditional child care experts will tell you this is not a good situation, they probably don't have kids of their own and if they do have kids, they are probably heavily medicated and is that really any better? This is a holistic, natural and drug free way to manage your kids (and spouse at the same time).
Until next time
M/C
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